Happy Endings
by NeitherSparky
Summary: MIB2 fic. Whatever happened to Scrad, anyway? Alternate movieverse. Read my author's note.


_**A/N:** _

I'm sorry to make y'all sit through an Author's Note but I'm afraid it is necessary in this case. I wrote this story (and its sequel "We'll Always Have Seinfeld") **before** MIB2 even hit theatres. You see, I had picked up and read Esther M. Friesner's excellent novellisation as well as the making-of book "Inside Men In Black II" maybe a month before the movie was released; both of these sources differ from the finished film. Significantly, I'd say. For those of you in the know not already nodding your heads in agreement, I'll explain: **they ended differently from the movie**. Now, whether they changed the endings of these printed versions deliberately so that moviegoers would be surprised (likely enough) or if they changed the movie ending while filming for some reaosn or another, I don't know. All I do know is, the movie ending was different from the novellisation ending, which totally killed my fanfics because the movie version does **not** include several events crucial to my stories. 

Specifically, I'm talking about the character of Scrad. You remember Scrad, the two-headed alien played by that "Jackass" guy who disappeared about halfway through the movie and never showed up again? Well, for the benefit of those who did not read the novellisation or the script contained within "Inside Men In Black II", Scrad was originally supposed to wind up helping Jay and Kay by delivering to them a proton bomb Serleena had given them to blow MIB HQ up with (although they had broken the detonator when they started fighting over which side to take - Charlie was the one who wanted to defect because Serleena had busted up his face). Also, at the very end, Kay offered to get them a job at the Post Office, since they now had nowhere to go and nothing to do since their boss had been scattered all over New York City like so much moist confetti. 

I have decided to leave these fics intact rather than tailor them to fit the movie because I like them the way they are, and I like Scrad the way he was in the novellisation better than he was in the movie (sorry Mr. Knoxville, its nothing personal). But that required that I force y'all to read this explaination first so you don't get confused and click on the Back button in disgust. I hope everything is clear now. :) 

- Sparky 

Happy Endings  
a _Men In Black II_ fanfic  
by  
C. "Sparky" Read 

Happy endings. That's what moviegoers to an action/comedy want, an ending that tells them that everything has turned out okay, that only the characters that really deserved punishment wound up getting their dues, and everyone else gets to go skipping off into the New York sunset like so many carefree taxicabs. 

Well, quite frankly, that's crap. So a bad guy turns around and helps the good guys defeat the villain, you think that means he gets to go back to his apartment and watch _Seinfeld_ as if nothing had happened, that he was never responsible for halting the crucial workings of an essential secret agency or sent out to torture information out of Will Smith? Fageddabouddit, of course he gets punished. I for one don't believe movie endings like that and neither should anyone else. The man's a terrorist and needs to pay for it; I don't care how many proton bombs he forked over to blow up a gigantic rampaging evil flying worm in an expensive special effect superexplosion. Send him to the gallows! Death! Death, I say! 

Well, no, not death. I mean, I do rather like the poor sap, and this is my fic, so I guess he can't die. But I still think he's been naughty. 

So let's put him in a holding cell at Men In Black headquarters, keep him in custody while we inform the leader of his home planet about what exactly he's done. Oh, look, it turns out that he's got a record back there, too, of disrupting the peace and generally causing widespread concern among his people. Wonder how that information got withheld from MIB officials - oh, Serleena must have manipulated the files. 

And so, split lips tended to, broken noses set, Scrad sits in his cell, knowing, just knowing that something - the worst possible thing - is going to happen to him very soon, just waiting for it; it's only a matter of time now because they tell him that the Matron herself is taking a transport to Earth personally for a hearing all about What To Do With Serleena's Spy. At least he doesn't have to wait alone because, face it, you're never alone when you've got a second head. But they're two heads on the same condemned man so in the end it amounts to very nearly the same thing, the only real difference meaning that he gets to consider his final hours as a complete being out loud. And maybe they cry a little and say I'm sorry and I love you, and then maybe they wind up laughing because they now remember that they did after all get Serleena to pay for quite a lot of keen Earth stuff before they had her blown into a hundred billion nanobits with, as Charlie points out, "the coolest toy she ever gave us." 

And eventually some people come and take him to a room where he can clean himself up and look presentable so they can then haul him off to a sort of auditorium and plop him down at a table with a half-dozen armed guards standing over him like he's going to go Kevin Sorbo on everyone's ass which is highly unlikely to say the very least. And then the witnesses file in and then Agent Zed himself; and finally the Matron, grand and imposing in her boldly-colored native garb denoting her station as the leader of her people, followed by her two assistants whom Scrad can't help but mentally assign the names Tweedledum and Tweedledee to, because of their rotundness and small ceremonial caps which look so much like beanies now that he knows what a beanie is. 

In the back, Agent Jay is heard to whisper to his partner Agent Kay, "What the heck is Pavoratti doing here?" because in fact the large man is blocking most of Jay's view of the Matron. As if in reply, a slightly miniaturized version of Pavoratti's head pokes itself out from beneath the tenor's jacket and blinks at him balefully. "Earth's most famous Bi-Cranial," Kay whispers back. "Having a second windpipe launched his career." 

"That's cheating," is Jay's reply. Pavoratti's Second grunts, possibly in agreement. 

Agent Zed stands up and says some stuff which sounds important and legally complicated, and then he sits down and the Tweedles read some sort of ancient text from a couple of scrolls which mention stuff like Make War With None and Have Respect For Our Laws. Then they sit on either side of the Matron and everyone waits for her to say something. 

Matron pauses, pauses being so crucial to a people who often need time to confer with their second heads. When she finally speaks, it's to merely state, "So," as if that about sums up every event that had occurred to lead up to this moment. 

There's another pause, and Agent Jay turns to his partner to ask him if maybe this whole thing could be hurried up so he can get out of here before next Saturday, because that's when a whole wagonload of Lefkinite tourists are due to show up and you know how touchy Lefkinites are about people inspecting their luggage and You Know What Happened Last Time. But Kay holds up a hand in that well-known gesture of, Be Patient With The Customs Of Foreign Cultures, Sport. So Jay doesn't say anything after all. 

And finally Matron speaks again, and she says, "Stand up." Scrad stands. Matron leans forward and folds her hands on the table before her, pressing her knuckles into her breastbone. "Scradivaar Lon," she says in a voice so patient it should be dusted off, and then "Of all the things," which translates roughly to, "What would your mother say?" She pauses again, which causes Jay to uncross and recross his legs in agitation, but this time it's only a half pause. 

"Kylothians," states Matron carefully, as if trying to make sure everyone present knows exactly how the word is supposed to be pronounced. "Terrorism," she adds, and finally "Improper representation of our planet!" because, after all, that was the shocker that broke the Poisonous Pronghorned Razortongued Tailwhipper 's back. 

Pavoratti snorts loudly in derision at this point, causing Jay to shoot him a disgusted look. Kay stares straight ahead. He doesn't seem to have blinked once since he entered the room. 

Scrad stands before Matron tiredly, his eyes on the floor. Behind him, Charlie seems to be trying to blend in with the back of his jacket. Its no prizes that he wishes Zed hadn't confiscated their backpack. 

"Well," says Matron after yet another pause. "Let's hear it." 

A pause, but this time provided by Scrad, who looks suddenly uncertain. Matron's Second leans forward and mumbles in Matron's ear, and Matron sputters a little. 

"Yes," she says, to no one in particular. And then, to Scrad, "Start with your first meeting with Serleena Xath. Tell us how you ended up on this planet as a…a _spy_." Spoken oddly, as if it is a completely foreign word. 

You know what, let's go ahead and skip Scrad's faltering recollection, assisted by helpful whisperings in his ear from Charlie who remembers details from five years ago a little better; and let's skip Matron's consequential hemming and hawing and pausing and the accusing stares sent Scrad's way by the Tweedle Twins. After this part comes the calling of the witnesses to testify: Here's an MIB customs agent who saw Scrad cause a diversion so Serleena could perform her hostile takeover, and who breaks down halfway through his testimony to blurt something about women's lingerie and winds up being hauled away through the auditorium's back door by a couple of the armed guards. Then there's the collective testimony of the Worm Guys, whose main complaint about Scrad breaking into their apartment to kidnap the keeper of the Light of Zartha was that it interrupted a particularly enjoyable game of Twister. It's then Agent Jay's turn, and he tells everyone how Scrad had ringleaded an attack on Jack Jeebs' pawn shop which resulted in Jay nearly getting his spine snapped like a Pixie Stick by a surly extraterrestrial slab of hired muscle. And after that, adds Jay, when the little creep showed up with the proton bomb, it was without the detonator because it had gotten broken in a careless accident and do you know how hard it is to remotely detonate a proton bomb with a firearm when its inside a flying tangle of roots and worm meat? I didn't think you did. 

Agent Kay is then called to the stand but has very little to say on the subject, other than to affirm that it is, indeed, difficult to fire a crack shot at a flying tangle of roots and worm meat, after which crucial testimony he returns to his seat without once showing anything but a neutral expression. The witnesses depleted, the Matron, after a particularly heavy pause, again motions for Scrad to rise, and he does so with all the enthusiasm of a horse walking into a glue factory. 

"So," says the Matron again, and as though to throw caution to the wind she doesn't even hesitate before adding, "I have heard everything." She closes her eyes and sneaks in a quick pause. "Banishment," she says at last, opening her eyes. "And a strictly-enforced restraining order. I do _not_ want this individual," she turns to Zed, "leaving this planet Earth, ever again." 

Zed looks up from something he's holding in his hands and gives Matron a short nod. "We will keep him here," he agrees easily enough. "Under surveillance. I don't think we'll have any more problems with him." He then treats Scrad to such a stern look that the latter manages to look even more uncomfortable than before. But then, as soon as Zed looks away, he and Charlie exchange relieved glances: Score! 

But Matron isn't finished. "_And_," she says, in a tone so cold the front row of the auditorium feel frost forming on their eyelashes, "Solitary. For life." 

A cry of horror escapes Scrad, and he stumbles forward towards Matron, falling to his knees. "No!" he shrieks. "You can't do that!" It is what he was expecting, but despite himself he can't suppress the shock. 

In the back Jay frowns as Pavoratti and his Second nod sagely at each other. "How can a two-headed guy get Solitary?" Jay whispers to Kay, who takes that to mean Jay hadn't done his homework assignment before coming to class. 

Tweedledee pulls some sort of leather harness-and-hood combination out of a pouch and holds it before him like a filthy thing. Charlie takes one look at it and faints dead away, hanging limply down Scrad's back. 

"What's _that_ thing?" Jay whispers to Kay, and a beat later gets it. "They're gonna put that thing over his second head?" he blurts. 

The Tweedles march over to flank Scrad and each seize one of his arms, causing the human guards to step back, a little miffed at having their jobs usurped. The Matron shakes her head and states formally: "Scradivaar Lon, you have been charged with crimes against Bi-Crania punishable by maximum sentence. You will wear the Solitary harness for the rest of your days, which will be spent here on Earth. This hearing is ov - " 

"Slick," warns Kay, but it's too late; Jay has leapt up and is taking long strides towards the front of the auditorium. 

"Now y'all just hold up," he orders the Tweedles, who have begun tugging at Scrad's jacket. Scrad isn't struggling. "I said hold it," he repeats when he's ignored, and he trains a small chrome firearm at Tweedledee's Second. "Hold it, Beefy, or your backup gets it." The Tweedles promptly release Scrad, who crumples back to his knees. 

"Agent Jay." Zed's voice is even but dangerous. 

"I know, I know, I'm interfering with foreign politics." Jay slips the gun back inside his jacket. "But these guys are messing with my country's laws." 

"And what have your country's laws got to do with our planet's?" Matron wants to know. 

"Okay, listen," exhales Jay, looking at Matron evenly. "If you want to lock this guy up or something, then that's fine - " 

"We do not believe in imprisonment," Matron returns promptly. 

"But you _do_ believe in taking away half a guy's higher mental functions?" After this remark Jay turns to Kay, "I bet you thought I didn't know that! The man thinks I don't do my homework," he explains, turning back to the Matron, who stares coldly at him. "Well…" Jay coughs. "Okay, so it took me a minute to remember. Sue me, but I was up late last night." 

Zed has stood up. "That's enough, Jay," he states quietly, motioning for Jay to return to his seat. But Kay is already on his way to join his partner. Zed frowns, taken by surprise. This is not By The Book behavior. 

"If I may speak," says Kay, reaching the Matron's table. 

Matron looks resigned. "If you must," she answers drily. 

"Zed," continues Kay, turning to MIB's head agent, "I have no objection to this sentence." 

Jay is appalled. "Kay," he hisses. 

"However," Kay goes on swiftly before his partner can launch into a new tirade, "I would like to remind you of the psychological damage Solitary has on Bi-Cranials. Schizophrenia, we call it here on Earth." He reaches into his jacket for his cel phone. "Now, I did offer this man a job earlier and I mean to carry through with that promise. Shall I call the Post Office now, or later?" 

Silence engulfs the room for a minute before Zed coughs and rubs his chin. 

"No," says Zed. "Stand by." He turns to the Matron. "Madam Matron," he addresses her, "I'm afraid I must renege on my promise to keep Mr. Lon here. Perhaps it is best if he serves his sentence back on Bi-Crania - " 

"Never!" snaps the Matron, deeply offended. "I wish him to remain here!" 

"Then," amends Zed, "I must insist you lift the sentence." 

Matron sits seething in a particularly volatile pause, in which the assemblage watches with great interest. For Agent Zed to actively oppose the judgment of an alien council is something you don't see every day. 

Finally Matron shakes her head. "No," she says firmly, "the sentence remains." 

At which point Matron's Second speaks up loudly: "You tragic waste of carbon!" 

The audience leans forward even more now. It only gets better. 

Matron opens and shuts her mouth rapidly for a moment, then snaps over her shoulder, "_What_ did you say to me?" 

"You festering idiot," replies Matron's Second, snaking her head around so she's face to face with her bodymate. "Do what the nice man in the tie says or I will shave your eyebrows while you sleep. You know I will." 

Pavoratti's Second bursts into such hysterical laughter at this comment that the tenor, besieged by stares, is forced to leave the room. 

Matron, beet red, stutters a bit before addressing Zed, "Done. I lift the sentence. Just keep him here." She glances at her Second. "All right?" She can't quite hide the worry in her voice. 

"All right," replies her Second complacently, withdrawing. 

"Thank you for your judgment, Matron." Zed turns to the room. "This hearing is adjourned. Thank you all for your time." And he looks down at Scrad, who is still kneeling before the Matron, his eyes closed and his right hand pressed possessively against the side of Charlie's head. "You can get up now, son." When Scrad doesn't move, he repeats, "You can get up now. No one is going to take your Second away from you." 

As people file out of the room, Matron and the Tweedles included, Scrad gets slowly to his feet. He releases Charlie and looks up at the three MIB agents with difficulty. Zed holds up a hand before the alien can say anything. 

"I'm sure this is the best arrangement," he says, reaching behind himself to pick Scrad's backpack off of the floor and returning it to its owner. "I believe this is yours. And I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed your GameBoy. Those Bi-Cranial pauses can kill a human. Besides, I never could resist Earthworm Jim." 

"Oh, hey," says Jay as Scrad carefully maneuvers the backpack over Charlie, "sorry about telling Kay to shoot you guys, before." 

"Uh, that's okay," Scrad tells him. 

"Yeah," agrees Charlie. "We suck." 

Kay reaches into his jacket and pulls out a small slip of paper. "I hope you don't. I've already called the Post Office and I wouldn't want them to think I reference people who - ah - suck. Here's the time and address of your interview; don't be late." 

And so the agents go back to their posts and the alien, after signing about three hundred forms and taking a couple of written tests and a blood test and a psych test, gets to go home to his apartment and watch _Seinfeld_, although admittedly not as if nothing has happened. 

But either way, that New York sunset's looking pretty good. 

_Story copyright 2003 C. "Sparky" Read. Characters copyright Columbia Pictures, although they didn't invent MIB. All the people from Bi-Crania besides Scrad/Charlie are mine._


End file.
